Goodbye dear blog-I am off to Colorado for my Aunt's funeral.

If you are a robber and reading this I just want you to know my husband is here. And he has a black belt in karate.

And a gun under the bed.

And I knife under his pillow.

And is also skilled in num chucks.

So I probably wouldn't mess with him.

Aunt Joyce

My Aunt Joyce died yesterday, just 7 months after her oldest son Danny died. They both had long struggles with cancer. She was one of the hardest working women I have ever met. She stayed at my Dad's house last October during her son's funeral. And you know what she did? She cleaned his house. Her son had just died, and she must have not felt well herself, but she just kept working. Amazing.
I am sure there was a wonderful reunion on the other side...
But my heart goes out to her 2 children left to mourn.
I forgot about this amazing story until recently.
God does not forget about us.

The Birthday Party.

As previously mentioned, Chloe turned 3 last week. And we had a big old shin dig at Peter Piper Pizza. She has been talking about her "birday party? since she attended her friend Teagans (T is seen below with her Ariel shell around her neck.This allows her to speak, and sing melodious tunes. A while back she traded her voice for legs, luckily the sea witch died an ignominious death so she got her voice back. Thank goodness.) Anyway, we had a joint party for Chloe and her cousin Loma who are only 2 weeks apart. I am pretty sure they had the time of their lives. And I was exhausted after it was all said and done, but it was worth it for these cutie pies. Oh by the way, the boy up there....Chloe's future husband. If I could betroth her to this fellow...I would do it in a second.


Me trying to keep some sort of order with the present opening. Failed.




Me. Singing my rendition of Happy Birthday. I was probably doing some stupid descant or something.
Uh ya. Heaven.
The infamous Chelsey.
Chloe wanted me to flat iron her hair.


"Mommy, I don wan to wear my pincess dess anymo."
So I took that sucker back to Target.
Happy Birthday darling....all because we love you!

Boring Mommy Stuff...No Seriously...REALLY Boring Mommy Stuff.

Dear my brain,
There are some things I want to get off of you.

First of all. I am very proud of you.
I am now switching back to first person, because I don't feel like completing this whole post in 3rd person.

Anyway.
I was very proud of myself. I went to Target tonight (my favorite store, in case I have not mentioned that enough) to get my favorite things: wipes, diapers, and laundry detergent.
Boooooooooring.
Well I of course had to make my way past the wreathe isle.
And to my surprise, what did my little eyes see????
(oh, p.s. I put this contact wetting stuff in my eyes today and that stuff gave me some sort of reaction on my skin, like a tear left my eye, went down my face, and stained my face with a red line for like a half hour....like that song...."tracks of my tears." You know that song...Adam Lambert sang it last season on American Idol. Speaking of AI...wow. Majorly boring this year. I made myself stop watching because I was so bored. Now I watch other more high brow things like "The Hills." Well, back to what I was talking about... So I probably shouldn't use those eye drops again. I will just try it on Chelsey to see if it happens to her too. Juuuuuust kidding.)

What was I talking about again?
Oh ya.
The wreathe.
Well anyway....what did my little eyes see??? Well, the wreathe was on sale!
Well I thought, I can't pass that up! And I actually put it in my cart.
And then that darn little voice in my head that sounds like me, but looks like Don, says, "No Melissa. You do not need a wreathe."
So I put it back.
And one small tear left my eye and traveled down my face, but luckily this one did not stain my face because I think my tears are only made up of natural Melissa type stuff. ie-salt and water maybe? Not sure. Just guessing because tears taste sort of salty.

Then...
I spent considerable time in the baby/toddler section of the store.
Which brings me to my next really boring topic: Potty Training.

It is times like these that I wish I lived in the dark ages and was a Queen. Because I bet they didn't have to potty train their children.
They were too busy not moving in their corsets.
They had servants to do that sort of thing. Not really sure what Queens did all day though. Really, what did they do all day?

I love being a Mom, but this is one of the items in my job description that I poo-poo. No pun intended.

So here's my thoughts on the whole thing-contradicting thoughts that stop me from jumping into this challenge whole heartedly.
PROS to Potty Training:
1. I want to save money. So I can buy my wreathe.
2. I am tired of changing diapers.
3. It is probably the socially acceptable thing to do. I desire to be deemed "normal."

CONS to Potty Training:
1. I have a phobia of public restrooms. I cannot bear the thought of my Chloe's little bum touching those wretched, germ infested seats. Also, her hands. I have seen little children use the potties. They put their hands all over those seats. They give those seats massages.
2. I don't know how.
3. I cannot find a way to motivate my child. Not even money or popsicles entice her. She just tells me "no thanks." I wish someone would pay me for using the potty. I would be able to by the wreathe in no time. She really doesn't know how good she has it.
4. Diapers are more convenient when out and about. See #1.

Well there you have it.
I just keep hoping that one day Chloe will just teach herself.
You know, just like how she taught herself how to walk.
And how she taught herself how to read and unicycle.

As I was walking through the toddler/baby aisle in Target I checked out some of the potty training equipment.
There was a Dora seat. And a princess seat.
I thought...hey maybe! But then I said Naaaaaa....
And then I looked at the potty that plays a "princess song" every time there is a successful usage of the contraption. I pressed the button to hear the princess song. I don't know how they differentiate between a regular song and a princess song....I thought...like Chloe will care about that...that is just a silly little diddy that doesn't remind me of a princess at all. That just sounds like a dippy keyboard.
So I moved on.

And then I saw a product made for people like me with potty phobia.
They are protective sheets your child can put over the toilet seat.
I squealed.
But then I did the math.
10 sheets for $4.79.
I might as well take up smoking .
I think that is about as economical.

So I left the store with my diapers and wipes and unfortunately no solution.

See. I told you this was really boring.

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Oh, and my Chloe quotes for the day.
Me: Chloe, you are so funny! Do you try to be funny?!
Chloe:No...I not funny....I just happy!

I told Chloe to get me a couple bags of baby carrots at the store.
She did, and then she got a bag of the big carrots.
And I said, why did you get those?
And she said, "Daddy's carrots!....Big carrots!"
She obviously understands food.
Small food=for small people.
Big Food=for big people.

I took Chloe to the splash park today. She insisted on bringing her bike. I told her she couldn't ride it but I put it in the car anyway. I lifted up the little compartment in the back that she likes to put her treasures in. In it I found the sunblock and her magnetic dolls. She had put their bathing suits on.
And I laughed about that for a good while.

I am really proud of myself. I finally found a toy that Chloe loves. I bought her a princess dress- up for her birthday thinking she would want to wear it all the time. She wore it for 5 minutes at her birthday party and then told me she wanted to take it off. Kids. You never know. I guess the only princess dress she needs or wants is the purple velvet one with long sleeves. Although I start sweating just looking at her now.
Well I took that dress back and was in search of something she would really play with.
I know she likes magnets. I know she likes clothes.
And somehow I stumbled across this.
This toy is awesome.
She played with it for 3 hours straight.
It is like magnetic paper dolls.
I highly recommend it.
Anyway, I am starting early teaching Chloe the essentials of life.
ie. fashion is king. or queen. whatever.

It is hard to find in stores, but available tons of places online.
I found mine at Toys R' Us for 20 bucks.
And it was well worth every penny.
Search for it under "Melissa and Doug Magnetic Dress-Up."
If I could, I would get this for every little girl I know.
Or boy. If they are into that kind of thing.

Dear Uncle Sam,
Hello. I am contacting you, requesting your services. You see, Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny will be on vacation for awhile so I could not ask them. The only other person I can think of is you. I know this doesn't usually fall under your job description. Usually you just spread patriotic spirit and a go get em' attitude in times of war and such. Also you do an excellent job sporting striped pants. I gotta say, there are not too many men that can pull that off. Anyway, I was wondering if you could add gift giving to your list of responsibilities. I think that shoes are an excellent thing to give for the 4th of July. I realize of course that the 4th of July does not usually involve gift giving. But I would like to change that. I propose that we all get a new pair of shoes for the 4th of July. Why you ask? What does this have to do with America?
Well, I will tell you.
1. The Revolutionary War Patriots wore shoes.
2. George Washington wore shoes.
3. In every picture I see of the men who signed the Declaration of Independence they are wearing shoes.
4. You have to wear shoes when you go to vote.
5. "No Shirt-No Shoes-No Service" is part of the American Vernacular.
6. Do I really need to point out that the United States has two s's, and so does "shoes."
7. It is a very bad idea to play with sparklers without shoes, in case you have to run for your life. Or in case sparks land on your feet.
8. Abraham Lincoln also wore shoes.
9. You don't want to eat watermelon without shoes. There is nothing more annoying than sticky toes.
10. And finally, one should wear shoes walking around the bathroom at a public pool.

As you can see I offer a convincing argument.
You can send these shoes to me in the mail, just like I send my taxes to you in the mail.
They are Steve Madden, just in case you don't have time to get little elves together to make shoes in time for this 4th of July.
Yours Truly,
Melissa
Former Miss USA

Luggeez

Seriously-are using laundry baskets really that difficult that there was a need for this?

Also. The last thing I want to do right now is put on a long sleeve smock and go around my house picking stuff up.
My house is usually spotless anyway.

PS. Erin-can you send me your address? I think I am sending you this for your birthday.

For all of you who like my Chelsey stories....

So today I called Chelsey to check on her.
My Dad is working and so he likes me to call and check up on her periodically.
This was our conversation.

Me: Hi Chelsey
Chelsey: Hi
Me: How are you doing?
Chelsey: Uh...good.
Me: So have you eaten lunch? (It is 3:30 PM)
Chelsey: No.
Me: Why not? Aren't you starving?
Chelsey: Well yes. But there is nothing to eat.
Me: Well what about the hot pockets?
Chelsey: Uh...they are all gone. I think *Samantha and Jenny took them home.
Me: Are you sure? I saw them in the freezer last night. Go check.
Chelsey: Uh, okay.
5 minutes later

Chelsey: Sigh...Nope. They're not there.
Me: Well Chelsey you need to eat something. You must be starving. Did you eat breakfast? What did you have for breakfast?
Chelsey: A hot pocket.

*names of the girls who come over and work with her have been changed to protect their identity.

I take back my recommendation of the Skin Buffer pad thingee as mentioned previously.
While I still attest to it working on your stems,
You might be tempted to try it on other smaller, more delicate areas of your body, and to that I say,
STOP!
I don't know why I did it-but I tried it on my arm pit.
And holy cow.
I will be sleeping with gauze and neosporin.
I don't know why I thought rubbing sand paper on my delicate flesh was a good idea.


And now for my Chloe stories.
1. Chloe was taking a bath and she told me the large Barbie Ariel was the miniature Ariel's Mommy.
2. She calls all men dolls "Daddies." And I would like to keep it this way until she is 25.
Oh wait...that sounds a little creepy. Nevermind.
3. When I ask her, "How are you doing?" She says, "I doing!"
I think I already wrote this one down. But I am too lazy to go back and check, so it is staying.
and
4. Her favorite Birthday toy is a ballet Barbie. The Barbie came with a practically intangible water bottle. I saw her take the water bottle into the bathroom and then I heard her turn the water on. Apparently she was filling it up.
5. I pointed to McDonalds and asked Chloe what the name of the building is. She said, "hamburger house!"
Oh. And she is addicted to popsicles.

I can't believe these actually work.

I really couldn't believe this worked. I found it at the dollar store. I said, heck, why not try it! And it actually worked.
Then I got really excited and tried to get a certain someone to let me try it on their armpits.
Um...I would not try it on your armpits.
This certain someone was kind of mad at me.
Just like when they were mad at me when I spread Nair on their legs and they got a rash.
Or like the time I curled their hair and burned them like 12 times on Easter.

It is Chloe's birthday today.
She is 3.
3.
Holy cow. How did this happen?
Yesterday she wanted me to put blush, mascara, and lipstick on her. And flat iron her hair. It was kind of fun.
And then I started feeling really nostalgic. And then I started thinking about how in a blink of an eye she will be doing this all by herself and she won't need my help.
And then I almost cried.
I still need to write her a letter.
I got this idea from someone to write her a letter every year on her birthday and then the 18 days leading up to her 18th birthday, you give her a letter that you wrote years and years ago.
You should do it too.
Wouldn't you love to get something like that for your 18th birthday?
I definitely wish I had more letters from my Mom.
Okay wow. Hello I am getting emotional!
I think I am going to go eat a piece of cake now.
I was going to post pictures of her B-Day shin dig but...camera problems.

Oh also. I think I am losing my mind, and my other plan today is to get it back.
This morning I spilled Chloe's chocolate milk down the side of the fridge and had to move the whole stupid fridge to clean it up.
Then I couldn't find my tennies. So I had to wear weird shoes to the gym.
Then I couldn't find my swim shorts. So I had to wear really, REALLY tight ones.
Then I couldn't find the plastic shovel that we took to the pool. So I gave up and left without it.
And I am feeling slightly neurotic about all the little nic nacs Chloe received for her Birthday and we already lost some.
Those polly pockets...man what a load of crap.
You pay 5 bucks for this little plastic toy and then the extra outfit and shoes get lost within the first 5 minutes of opening and I always have to be the one to dress the stupid doll, and even I think it is hard to get some of those eensy weensy little clothes on.
Well like I said.
I either need a nap. Or a piece of cake.
And then I am going to go try and find all the things that I have lost lately.
And hopefully I will find the thing I am missing most-my mind!!
Toodles.

Last night I went to a B-day party for my friend Bonnie. And my other friend Heather was going to catch a ride with me. She came over to my house first, and look what she showed up in. So what do you do when this happens? Well you take a picture of course.
I personally think we look very patriotic.

This past week Don had a Court of Honor for his scouts. He asked me if I could play the piano to their opening song "I've Got That Scouting Spirit."
I said, "uh whaaaaaa?"
Never heard of it.
So I you tubed it.
Well I found this. And it really makes me smile.

Mother's Day Luncheon

My sister in law Leonore started a Mother's Day Lunch every year. I love it. The theme is "salad." I was tired of making my traditional spinach strawberry salad, which I have to bring every family function, because everyone is totally in love with it...how's that for humble...well I take no credit for nature's talent of making the combo of spinach, strawberries, cheese and bacon so entirely scrumptious. I just happen to be the person who throws all those things in a bowl with a sugary dressing. No talent there! Anyway, I decided to make a pasta salad (courtesy cousin Erin and her recipe binder. see cuz, I DO use it!) Well me and 2 other people had the same idea-so there was a bounty of grape, pasta, chicken salad left. And perhaps that is where my mistake came in. Now I have a mystery to solve.
First the clues: 1. Ran 5.25 miles in the morning. And by ran, I mean ran. I went with a friend who runs much faster than me, even with a baby stroller in tow. (oh side note-so how come I have been kicking my butt every day to lose the "hmhm" pounds I have gained over the past 3 awesome months and IT IS NOT WORKING)
2. Drank a ton of water while running. Ate no food. When finished running I dry heaved all the way home in my car. That was pleasant.
3. Made a ginormous bowl of delicious pasta salad.
4. So did 2 other people. So I had to eat that ginormous bowl of delicious pasta salad all by myself.
5. Walked in high heels for like 38 hours. I know, my fault, but they were really cute shoes.
6. Went to some friends house to play games and could barely walk my legs were so sore from said running and high heel walking.

Okay those are the clues. And now for the mystery. On our way home from our friends, my headache went from like a 2 to a 10, and suddenly my urge to up -chuck grew by astronomical levels. And that is exactly what I did when I got home. And popped 2 Ibuprofen and a tylenol. And an hour later I was finally feeling like I could skip the emergency room. Okay, okay I know I am a little melodramatic, but come on, you know people talking about being sick is really, really boring. I had to spice it up a little bit.

Chloe tried her little best to comfort me, which was sweet, but when you have a splitting headache a loud squeaky voice in your ear that keeps saying, "Mommy, was wong with you?" over....and over...and over....again.... And then patting my head like it was pizza dough...not that helpful.

Anyway, I feel much better this morning. And like I said, wondering what in the world caused me to want to inhale my leftover vicadin. Although now I have to think twice about that because I read some story about some guy that said he had a really bad migraine and was going to take some strong pain stuff and go to sleep. but he decided not to, and good thing, because if he did, he would have died because he was having an aneurysm. Which is probably a story a hypochondriac like myself, should not read. Besides that, yesterday was a pretty fabulous day. Here are some pictures.

My Mother-In-Law....she is spectacular.

Oh excuse me, I have to go run to the commode looking at that pasta salad....

Well...I hear my husband is planning on making me crepes this morning. Happy day!!

Although, he said he plans on going back to sleep for an hour before doing so.

Unfortunately, my not so subtle hints for a certain wreathe, fell on deaf ears.
He thinks wreathes are pointless.

I respectfully disagree.

A wreathe on your front door is like, "Hello! Welcome to our little cottage! We are nice people and have cookies baking in the oven!" (won't you come in...and we will shove you in the oven like that witch in Hansel and Gretel...)

I just love old fairy tales. Aren't they so sweet?

Happy Mother's Day!

Out of all the blessings I have been given, my choicest is being a mother.

Happy Mother's Day to all my Posse.

"There will always be mothers, and they will always be eondowed with a love that is unlike any other love on the face of the earth."

-Marjorie Hinkley

Dear Don,
Don't you think this would make a very nice Mother's Day gift?
It's at Target, just in case you were wondering.
Sincerely,
Melissa

So today I made Chloe and myself some lunch, and she wanted to eat it in the room with the tv, hence so she could watch tv.
And I said, "No Chloe. I want us to sit in here together and talk while we eat."
And she said, "Uh, no phanks."

Well.

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Also for months now I have been in search of the perfect skirt. But I don't think it exists. All my favorite places have let me down time and time again.
So I googled "skirts" and "Coldwater Creek" came up.
And I had a sudden flashback to about 1995.
My Mom used to get their catalogues in the mail, and my favorite thing to do was look through it and read all the product descriptions because they read like bad romance novels.
I thought it was hilarious.
So I of course went to their website.
Unfortunately it looks like they must have hired some new writers, because the clothing descriptions are not nearly as amusing.
Oh how I wish I could find some of the old ones...they said things like:
"As you are walking through a field of daisies blanketed with the fresh dew of morning, a gentle breeze sweeps your perfectly white linen skirt, which so delicately brushes against your legs, and so beautifully contours your slim waist, while flowing effervescently to your mid-calves, and suddenly, you feel like a child again."

I made that one up. The ones in the catalogue were equally as bad.

The current catalogue, is improved, although still mildly amusing.
This is real:
"White as a June cloud. Delicate as a snowdrop. Just the sight of this shirt is enough to make you feel fresh-and not only that, it's more comfortable than you would ever imagine. The soft knit body is spliced in front with a pintucked panel of snowy cotton lawn, delicately daisy-chained in oversized eyelet. While the lightly fitted bodice eases into soft fullness above the waist, skimming the hips."

You know...do you think they are hiring writers?
Because I desperately want this job.