Items of Business

Do you think my blog is boring these days?

Because I'll tell you what. I sure feel like it is. Good thing the holidays are coming. THEN my friends, this blog will really come alive.

Maybe I should go outside more often.

Or leave the house.

Or get dressed before 3:00 PM.

Happy day today, only 95 degrees! Aaaaa the sweet smell of Fall....

Or maybe that is just the smell of less sweaty people.

And here are my thoughts for the day.

Item A:



I am really excited it is Wednesday. My new favorite show "Glee" is on. Hoorah, hoorah!

My favorite shows are as follows:

1. Glee

2. The Office

3. Shark Tank (have you seen this show? People go on with their inventions and try to get the loans sharks to lend them money)

Item B:

Have you noticed a resurgence of retro hair? See those pictures above? Kind of a throw back to the 70's and the Farrah Fawcett hair. It seems to be the new thing. Which makes me sort of excited. A new style to try out. I think I am over my bangs. So I tried to do my hair all 70's like today. And well... I think it looks almost exactly the same. Maybe next time I get my hair cut I will tell them to style it retro and then I will be super cool.

Item c:

These are the shows I want to be on:

1. Extreme Home Makeover Show (hmmmm...I need a good story so that they want to build a whole new house for me and give me tons of free stuff. I saw one girl was allergic to the sun. I definitely don't have a good (uh, bad) story like that. Do you think a hurt pinkie toe is a good back story? Nominate me please!)

2. What Not to Wear. I could definitely use $5,000 to buy new clothes. And I wouldn't have to feel guilty about buying clothes because I would have no other choice.

Okay those are the only shows I want to be on.

Item D:

Melissa: "Chelsey how many cookies have you had today?"
Chelsey: "2"

Melissa: "Only 2? It seems like you have been eating a cookie every time I see you."

Chelsey: "Okay, okay. The truth is I don't remember how many I have had. I lost count."

That's what I thought. And by the way, these are by no means small cookies.

Item E:

I am sorry. But I can't stop posting these pictures. She changes her clothes at least 4 times a day. And she insists on squeezing into newborn clothes.

I guess Chloe needs to learn how to embrace the size she is now. Dress her body for how it is now and not long for the yester-years.

I think we will sit down together and watch some Dove commercials together and then talk about the things that we love about our bodies.

This is currently what I get when I say "smile."

Item F:

You know what? I like finding Chloe remnants all over my house. Little calling cards that she has been somewhere. Especially when they are not messy.

And this little piggy went wee, wee, wee all the way home.

I am talented...

In the art of injuring myself.

For as long as I can remember I have been injuring myself in the most ridiculous ways possible.

Twice I sprained my ankles with ahem, boyfriends.

One time I went running with a boy and fell in a pot hole and sprained my ankle.

Another time I just fell down a hill in the company of a boy and really sprained my ankle.

One time I tripped over a speed bump running with Don post partum and excitedly proclaimed moments before, "I haven't ran in months!!" Plop.

My propensity to accidents was one of the first things Don noticed about me.

Don 5 years ago: "Wow! What happened! You have a huge bruise on your leg!"
Melissa 5 years ago: "Oh. Ya I don't know."
Don 5 years ago: "How do you not know?! That's a big bruise."
Melissa 5 years ago: "I bruise easily."

And often.

Well on Sunday I took a bike ride with my Dad and Chloe. Monday morning my pinkie toe was really hurting.

But I could still walk.

I could not remember what I did that I could have injured myself. Like I said, I am always injuring myself.

Then I thought...oh I must have run over my foot with the large adult sized tricycle.
It has a huge wingspan and I kept forgetting where not to put my feet.

Then later in the afternoon I was messing around with my toes and-POP. I totally screwed up my toe. I am no stranger to this. My pinkie toes are always getting caught on walls and doors and are always popping out of place. Most of the time I can maneuver my toe in a certain way and it pops back. But this time no such luck.

So I decided to go see a Podiatrist.

I have always wondered why anyone would want to be a foot doctor. Feet are pretty gross. Albeit important. I have new found appreciation for feet as one small injury to a seemingly insignificant toe is making it quite difficult for me to carry on as usual with my life.

The waiting room had a good amount of "seasoned" individuals and a tv playing "The Golden Girls."

So I had my appointment with the foot expert and I learned:

1. Doctor's find 2 year olds annoying

2. Medical Assistants find 2 year olds annoying. The Medical Assistant looked like she wanted to die when she was told by the x-ray man that she would need to watch my kid while I got my foot x-rayed.

3. I am crazy because the Doctor told me my bones were in place so there was nothing to pop out of place. So apparently I have been imagining this phenomenon of things popping in and out of place.

4. Apparently it is my ligament and it will take 6-8 weeks to heal.

But I am still confused because something in my toe is popping in and out of place.

Anyway I am here to say no one gives you sympathy over a pinkie toe but I think we should have more pinkie awareness. It is a real problem. Millions suffer every day with pinkie toe pain.

If you would like to donate money to my "Walk to Eliminate Pinkie Toe Pain Across the World" I will give you my checking account number.

Of course I won't really be walking.

As I already mentioned, my pinkie toe hurts.

But please feel free to deposit:

Wells Fargo

#458968

So "The Office" has been my favorite show for quite some time now.

Ever since the episode on health insurance and I laughed so hard I cried (by myself-something has to be really funny to make me laugh that hard- by myself) I have been the Number 1 Fan of this show.

Last night's show was really funny. Start at 3:00 on the video for my favorite part.

I love that he got all the cheeses from the office refrigerator. I don't know. It just really tickles my funny bone.

Today's Conversation.

Melissa: Come on Chelsey, I need to take you over to my house.

Chelsey: Melissa??!! I have dishes to do. How am I supposed to keep up with this house if I have to go over to your house??!!

I am the new house wife here and I have things to get done.

(Now Chloe is playing in the cat food)

Chelsey: No Chloe!!!

Chloe: Stop it Chelsey.

Chelsey: Don't tell me to stop it!!!! I am just trying to run this house.

I. Give. Up.

Butting Heads

These are the two people I have in my care today. They are quite the pair. They take some nice self portraits, don't they?

I can't get their names straight either because they both start with a "C" and are 2 syllables. you see my predicament, don't you? Chelsey gets more upset than Chloe when I call her the wrong name. It is high offense to call a 21 year old the name of a 2 year old.

A 2 year old that I was told today "broke the tv." How so, you ask?

I gave Chloe a water bottle to entertain herself and she went about the house spraying things. Apparently she sprayed the tv, and a short time later the tv became possessed as the channels changed in quick succession without any human help.

Chelsey concluded the tv's possession was Chloe's fault and since the tv is a mighty big deal around here to one such "C" name, that I was told in no uncertain fashion that:
"Chloe broke the tv by spraying some sort of chemical on it!!!!!!!"

I fixed it in short order (don't ask me how because I couldn't duplicate it) and my house was returned to relative peace and quiet moments later.

And Chelsey I think, frankly forgave the whole incidence as she was distracted by the fact that we bumped heads very hardly as I was getting off the floor.
Oh. And here is an oldie. Just reminiscing my pot belly. And my long hair. Some day I will have both again.

Good News

Good news. Today after Chloe broke the Pottery Barn salt shaker I got at my wedding...

She cleaned it up.

We are making progress.

Good News # 2.

She wears socks with her sandals.

I like this look.

Good news:

My cobra hair is growing.

In case you were wondering what cobra hair is, this is how I refer to the haircut I seem to keep getting that makes me look like a cobra when they are mad.

I hhhhhate this hair style.

I don't like half flipped hair, half curled under.

I don't want to look like a newscaster.

They look like cobras too.

Good news:

Dancing to the Wiggles makes everyone happier.

Especially when I get to watch my dad make Horton the Elephant dance.

Need a laugh?

Thanks to my friend for sending me this little jewel.

I just can't figure out why this guy is single.

You won't regret listening. Trust me.

This and That. As Usual.

So remember when you were a teenager and your idea of fun was loitering around the mall?

Well I think I am reliving my glory days because I have become a mall rat.

I went 2 days in a row. Which is unprecedented.

Which is not so good because I see all the "Fall must haves" and I must have.

It is much better not to know what you are missing out on by avoiding clothing facilities all together.

But these soft indoor playgrounds will have me coming back for more and more.

Can I just say that these playgrounds are quite possibly the most wonderful invention of the past 50 years.

Well besides the computer.

It is simply fabulous that I can sit in an air conditioned building and watch my child climb on foam things till the cows come home.

Well....as long as I don't think about the fact that they are the perfect breeding ground for the swine flu.

On our way out, we made an obligatory stop at Payless shoes in which Chloe promptly proclaimed, "Wow!" and proceeded to try an every pair of women's size 8 shoes she could get her little size 8 feet in.

I was so proud.

And then we came home.

Some man on the freeway gave me a thumbs up sign which left me wondering what I did wrong because no one gives thumbs up on the freeway unless they are sarcastically trying not to use another finger.

I probably cut him off.

I don't realize I do this type of thing unless my husband is in the car to inform me. After said experiences I am left to wonder if I ever should be driving unaccompanied. Ever.

Does anyone else know what I mean?

P.S. We saw Ice Age 3 last night at the dollar theater (which by the way, when did the dollar theater become 3 dollars? Shouldn't it be called "Well....actually 3 Dollar Cinemas"

We were sorely disappointed. We love the first Ice Age but this one was just weird. And to jungle-ish. I am not into the jungle. Yet another sequel that does not do justice. Shall we name names?

We shall:

1. Anne: The continuing Story (I have purposely erased this plot from my consciousness. That way after Anne and Gilbert kiss on the bridge in #2, my imagination can decide what happens after that. Which is never ending marital bliss. I have never read the books so I am allowed to do that.)

2. Indiana Jones (what the heck. Okay so Indiana Jones could never be described as realistic in the first place, but aliens???? We have erased this installment from our minds as well)

3. Star Wars (To tell you the truth, I never was into Star Wars. But I know other people were. So I put it in on principle. I finally watched the whole lot of them when I was tied up in bed for a week with a blood clot. I was desperate for entertainment at the time so I was not critical.)

And that is all I can think of right now.

What did I miss?

Discuss.

Does anyone else out there ever question their sanity?

Because you know what...I really do.

At least I am right now.

It used to be once a week Chloe would make some sort of mess. A mess that was slightly humorous because well, it was only once a week.

As of late, it is one mess after another.

And usually it involves bottled substances of some sort.

I for sure thought I was going to have to call in a straight jacket after cleaning up the sofa for the bazillionth time this week.

Let's see...

First there was pee.

And then more pee.

And then Italian salad dressing.

And today Gold Bond body powder.

And let's not forget the bed bugs. Though not directly Chloe's fault, she is the only one gross enough in this family to be labeled with a scarlet BB. I mean she eats food off the ground and plays in the dirt. She is definitely more gross than us.

Anyway.

I need some new topics.

Any suggestions?

Oh, I forgot to mention Chelsey told me the other day, "I never wished for a 2 year old niece." Which I thought was very nice.

And well. That is what is going on over here.

Pros:
Curly Red Hair

Cons:

She makes messes.
A lot of them.

Grossness

Do you ever have days where you think, man...we are gross?

I think I keep my house pretty clean.

I mean I steam clean my sofas. I change my sheets regularly. I clean the grout by hand. I wash my hands religiously.
This is validation of me not being a gross person, right?

Last month when I sent Chloe off to the grandparents, I did a spring cleaning of her room. And I was shocked to find a nest of bugs chilling out in her bed skirt. I could not figure out how black pen ink had gotten all over her bumper and bed skirt.

Not black pen ink.
Bug remnants.

Needless to say I was horrified.
No wonder she had all the bites on her legs, I said to myself.
Poor Chloe.

As any good mother would do, I washed everything and thought, problem solved.

A couple weeks later I noticed bites all over Chloe again.
I had plenty as well.
I checked her bed to make sure the bugs were not back, but saw no sign of the intruders.

Well today I was in cleaning mode again and to my horror, the black ink was back.
And wouldn't you know it, the nests were nestled in a new corner of the bed skirt.

I did some super sleuthing and decided the bugs crawled in from the electrical socket leading outside.
The exterminator should be able to make quick work of that.

Well...you know what the exterminator told me?
Bed bugs.

And suddenly I reverted back to my lice ridden 6th grade self who told my father one day, "Dad...I saw a bug jump off my shoulder and land in another girl's hair."

PS Chloe's bedroom is quarantined for at least 2 weeks. Meanwhile the entire contents of her room will be sitting in black garbage bags outside.
You wouldn't believe what I have to do to get rid of these nasty NASTY pesks.

Little Orphan Annie

Chloe reminded me of "Joey" the creepy guy in "While You Were Sleeping" with her get up this morning and her bucket o' prunes. Something about the short t-shirt, high waisted pants and the "beer" belly. No, she doesn't drink beer.
I have decided to hide her clothes that actually fit and put all the baby clothes in her dresser drawers. Perhaps she will not want to wear the baby clothes if they are put in a conspicuous place. Reverse psychology. I AM smarter than my 2 year old. At least I hope I am.
We shall see the fruits of my experiment.
Update to follow.

Oh by the way.
Upon further consideration, I think I should have kept my complaints about our lack of Fall here to myself.
I took that post off of my blog.
It was meant to be funny, but I think it verged on bitterness and that was not my intention.
Hope no one was offended.
I wish you all happiness in your Fall celebrations because you deserve it!
Sometimes I just get mad when it is still 105 degrees.
That's all.

8 Years

Does anyone else think it is insane at how fast time flies?
I can't believe it has already been another year.
I can't believe a year ago I wrote this.

Dear Brad and Cassi,
I received your letter requesting parenting advice.
I am obliged to be of service.

Now, you asked questions specifically dealing with parenting multiples.
As you might remember, I am a parent of a single, so I am not experienced with parenting multiple children at once.
However this makes me even better equipped to answer your thought provoking questions.
As we all know, people with no experience on a certain subject, are usually the best people to go to for advice.
For example. If you are having marital problems but really are determined to stay together, you should talk to someone who has been divorced 10 times. They can probably steer you in the right direction.
Or, if you are trying to lose weight and keep it off for good, Oprah is your go to gal for that. She's done it. Several times.
Well this is just more free advice on getting free advice.

But back to your predicament.
1. "When do you shower? And what do you do with your kids?"

Why do you think swimming pools were invented? Next question.

2. "If you're home alone and there's a fire or a robber and you can only take one, which do you take?"

I would take the best looking one, or the one most likely to make it big on a reality tv show. You did have children to HELP YOU right?

3."What do you do when he's sick and crying all night? How do you keep her asleep?"

Who cares what the doctors say. Benadryl works every time.

4. "What if it's time for both of them to eat? Who do you feed first?"

The chubbier one because they will likely get the most mad waiting for food.

5. "What if they both want to be held but they won't let you sit? (and they're both fairly heavy)"

Sit on both of them at the same time. Same concept.

6."When do you clean your house?"

Simplify. As long as your trash has been taken out, cut yourself some slack. It is easier to tell people to cover their eyes when they come in, than it is to tell them to plug their nose.

7."Is there a secret place that gives out free diapers?"

Not that I know of. But you have two alternative options here.
1. Move to China. I hear they don't wear diapers there.
2. Join one of those groups that believes in potty training the parents not the child. As in, you learn your child's "I need to go potty" cues. And you can brag to all your friends that your child is potty trained as a newborn.
And then you probably won't have any friends, and that does away with the need to clean your house because no one will be coming over.

Well I hope this helped.
Please let me know if I can be of any more assistance.

The Wrinkleband

I have seen this product advertised lately. "The wrinkleband." Do you think it works? It supposedly tightens your forehead wrinkles while you sleep.

I thought, hey why not, until I checked out the cost: 89 smackeroos.

I wonder if I can achieve the same results (or non results) with a sweatband and some vaseline.

Anyway.

It is either this or I am going to have to stop making facial expressions.

Which might be a little difficult for me.

Labor Day and we're laboring.

Yesterday we got out of church 2 whole hours early (normal church is 3 hours). The air conditioning broke and we are all pretty wimpy.
Most the women fanned themselves and the men...well mostly took it like men.

Don said to me, "Did you know studies have shown fanning yourself actually makes you hotter?"
So I stopped fanning myself.
I don't know who conducted these supposed studies, but I am considering contacting them and telling them they are wrong.

When it was announced we would be let out early, Don turned to me and said, "the Pioneers would be proud."

Indeed.
I am sure the Mormon Pioneers who crossed the snow driven plains, bore children in the wilderness, wore layers upon layers of clothes without any air conditioning EVER...
would be very proud of us.

So I am thinking about writing a Parenting Book. I pretty much am a natural with this whole mothering thing. I think I could impart some of my wisdom while earning a buck or two. I am tired of giving out free advice. You know what they say...everyone likes free advice especially unsolicited free advice. Anyway. Like I said. I am tired of doling it out for free. So I am writing a book.

For example, one chapter would be on:
"Taking Your Children Out To Eat"

That's easy. Don't take your children out to eat.

Unfortunately I don't follow my own advice and end up with chewed sweet n' low pouches to discard of and personally apologizing to every other patron in the nearby vicinity.

Another Chapter would be on:
"Shopping With Your Child"

Also easy. Don't take your child shopping.

Although, should the occasion arise that you have no other choice, I suggest avoiding any business with candy near the checkout registers.
Chloe has been known to make me purchase unwanted items like Ring Pops and large chocolate eggs. The man at the register did not appreciate my suggestion of using hand sanitizer to disinfect a sucked on wrapper. Don't remember what gem that caused me to buy, but I know it was 2 dollars I was unhappy to contribute to my child's sugar addiction.

Also.
"Going Places with Inclements in Weather" (and by inclements I mean 4 months of excessive heat)

Easy. Seriously this book could write itself.
Answer: Don't go anywhere when the sun is out.

Well this is just a little taste.
If any of you have any burning parenting questions for me, ask away.
I will try to put it in my book.
But I like I said, I do best with unsolicited advice.

Just got back from St. David, AZ. Spent all day Friday there. Enjoyed the in laws, a neighbor's birthday party, small town football game, and much cooler weather.

I also learned what "chew your cud" means and the best way to kill a skunk.

It was a very informative road trip.

P.S. let me know if you would like more information about the before mentioned.

Worst mother in the world: updated.

Today I felt like the worst mother in the world when my daughter requested "water" for her cereal because we were all out of milk.
And then I felt like an even worse mother when she ate it.
So I made her a pancake. With water of course.
And I felt better about myself.
Until I realized she was only eating the syrup.
And now I am back to where I started.