So much for a stiff upper lip.

I dropped Chloe off today for her first day of kindergarten.
She has been so excited. And I have had a pit in my stomach for a week.
She enthusiastically packed her backpack last night, and jumped out of bed this morning.
She ate her princess slipper and crown shaped pancakes.
She picked out her watermelon skort, her unicorn shirt, and requested her hair be put in pigtails.
She hoisted her heavy backpack to her shoulders, filled with kleenex, markers, colored pencils, glue sticks, and a carefully prepared sack lunch, and insisted that she be the one to carry it.
I took a picture of the occasion and we drove to her school.
I parked. And walked her to her classroom.
She walked right in and confidently took her seat and immediately started coloring.
I kissed her and told her goodbye and that I loved her.
Twice.
And then I walked out.
And then I got in my car and drove back home, went inside, got on facebook, saw her picture, and the picture of me about her age, with my Mom,
And then I cried.
For like an hour.
The realization that childhood is a mere minute, hit me hard.
The realization that babyhood is even shorter....
I am not sure how long weep fest 2012 is going to last, but feel free to join me.

THE Wiggles

Before I talk about the Wiggles Concert, here are a few shots I found on my camera, courtesy of chloe. 

 This is one of her Easter eggs.  4 months later, Don finally told her it was time to bid farewell to her eggs.  It was a difficult parting.  So I told her she should take some pictures of her eggs so she could remember them.  And so she did. And a hilarious video of her talking to her egg. 

 And now on to the wiggles.
Chelsey and Chloe made this sign to take to the Wiggles concert.

 My favorite part is the arrow Chelsey put by Chloe's signature with the caption "My neice chloe worked on this sign.  She likes you too.  I mean, she helped me with it."
During the concert, the Wiggles actually read out all the signs. Every single one of them.  We were in the second row, and the guitar playing wiggle (Murray) stood on the stage, squinting trying to read the sign.  He said, "Welcome back Greg, I missed you."  And then he just stood there trying to read her name.  Finally he jumped off the stage and got right next to the sign and read Chelsey's name.  That was pretty awesome.  I can just imagine poor Murray standing up on the stage, looking at this sign, and trying to figure out which paragraph he sould read out loud. 

 That yellow blob, is Greg Page, aka, Chelsey's most beloved Wiggle, and/or person on the planet.  I was standing right by him in the aisle, but alas, this is the best shot I could get.  He came off the stage to come pick up all the roses for Dorothy the Dinosaur (Because Dorothy the Dinosaur loves roses, duh.)  Chloe and Paloma (her cousin came along) went right over to him and hugged him.  And then Chelsey joined them, and apparently Greg said , "Hi there" to her.  And then Paloma and Chloe followed him up the aisle with star struck expressions.  I had to go grab them as I was pretty sure they were turning into stalkers. 

 This is a very bad picture of the roses they threw up on the stage.  They decided to throw the roses they brought for Dorothy the Dinosaur up on stage before the designated time.  And the roses just sat there.  So they went back up to the stage and grabbed them.  And then threw them again.  And again, they sat. 
Then when the designated time came to give Dorothy the roses, Chelsey says to me, "Where are the roses?" And I said, "Uh the girls threw it on stage."
And she was ticked. "what??!! I wanted to hand those roses to Greg!"
Well I guess it all worked out in the end, because as I mentioned, Greg did say, "Hi there."

 Once the confetti came down, the girls turned all their focus towards the colorful bits of paper on the floor.

 The girls all had the time of their life.  And I loved seeing them all so happy.  I was afraid that the night could have been ruined by the lady in the front row that told Chelsey to move out of the way (she was dancing in the front with all the kids) because she couldn't see the stage, but luckily Chelsey didn't start obsessing about that until AFTER the concert.  And I'll admit, I felt like I wanted to tell that lady a 10 minute sob story about why she shouldn't have done that,  but I refrained.  Other than that, it was an awesome experience. 

 Chloe loves the Wiggles so much now, that she made me write a letter to Netflix requesting that the Wiggles be shown on their instant videos. She checks every day to see if the Wiggles have been put on Netflix yet.  She wonders if Netflix has gotten her letter yet...and I am pretty sure they haven't. Considering that I hid it on top of the refrigerator because I wrote down a false address because that was way easier than finding the real address and most importantly, finding a stamp.  I might as well be trying to win an Olympic Gold medal in gymnastics-that's easier than finding a stamp around here.

 So that was The Wiggles.  And here are a few more self portraits I found on my camera.

 This reminds me of Godzilla.

 Chloe puts blankets down in her room and things to do on the blankets, because you can't ever be too prepared for a party.

Chloe starts school in three days.  And I am not happy about it.  I just get this pit in my stomach thinking about her being gone 6 hours every day. I can't believe we are already here.  And now forever more, our schedule will include school, and not the "what shall we do today?" attitude that we have adopted around here. I have loved the preschool days, where I have them with me all day (Okay, I don't mind a break). But a six hour break, every day, for the rest of her childhood, is not sitting well with me.  I want her with me, gosh darnit. I hate realizing that our day will now be based around school. Ya.  I am not happy about this. Did I mention that?  You know what I want to do? I want to find a Mom that home schools, and I want to send her there for 2 hours or however long it takes to learn the stuff they need to learn, and then I want her back.  Ugh.  This is going to be hard.  I already hate kindergarten and it hasn't even started yet.

This has been a week of extremes.  Some mind blowing awful things happened in the world, and also closer to home. And it feels strange and somewhat wrong to not mention those.  And yet it also feels wrong to mention in the same post that we had a great time at the Wiggles Concert.
And thus life. While for some, life has been forever altered and for a time their world has stopped turning, for others, life continues moving forward as if nothing has happened.
A week after my Mom died I remember going to see "The Perfect Storm" with my Dad.  It was the first time since she had died, that I was doing something "normal."  It was so strange.  My life had completely changed, and yet here I was at a movie.  Surrounded by people who were just going about their day like any other day.
I look back on that now, and realize that perhaps some of those people were in fact going through something similar as myself.  Their own personal hardship or tragedy.
This past week, I have had my mind on those that are currently taking their unwanted walk in the gut wrenching, oxygen deprived, land of grief.
My heart goes out to all of you.

Every Night Is Talent Night

I am not really sure where Chloe came up with her current talent show obsession.  But every night after the sun goes down, Don and I are a captive audience.  We get to shine the flashlight, turn off all the lights, and introduce Chloe from behind our living room curtains.  The talent show usually runs for no less than 45 minutes.  Chloe does mostly lyrical dance, and Macie basically just spins around until she is dizzy and can't walk straight.  Chelsey has participated in one of our very first talent shows.  But she has since given up performing.  I think she considers her talent above the other performers.  During the show she became exasperated and lamented, "Hmpf. These people don't know how to dance."

Perhaps you can see the things hanging from the ceiling.  They are stars and one large flower.  Chloe was very particular with how her stage was to look. She made all the stars and the flower and insisted that they hang from the ceiling.  She told me exactly where they were to hang.  I was actually pretty impressed with her backdrop.  Maybe she has a future career as a stage hand, that is if the performing thing doesn't work out.  I hope it does though.  I have always wanted to be a stage Mom.

Also, her cousin came over the other day and since her cousin was wearing a white dress, Chloe had to put on her white dress. A little while later I am not sure what happened, but Chloe became very dissatisfied with her dress and said, "I hate this dress! I look like an Indian!"  (By the way, I have no idea where she got the Indian thing from.) And I chuckled to myself when her cousin reassuringly told her, "You look beautiful, as always."  I just don't even know what to say.

Last Sunday, after I was finished playing the piano in church, I came down to the pew to sit next to Chloe.
I could tell she was miffed and sad about something.  So she sat on my lap, and slumped herself over.  I tried very hard not to laugh looking at her bright pink lipstick, not exactly within the lines.  I had no idea she brought my lipstick to church, and that while I was playing the piano, she had put the lipstick on.
So I asked, "What's wrong?"
And she said, "I am sad.  *Sally laughed at my lipstick. (*Sally is another 5 year old girl who was sitting behind her)  And it made me feel sad."
 (pause)
"I hate this outfit! It looks weird! I want to go home!!"
And I said, "What? I made you that skirt. I thought you liked it."
And she said, "Well I do. But I just don't like it with this shirt.  It looks weird."
Again...I just don't even know what to say.


Finally, this past week I overheard Chloe and her friend Mo talking in the other room.
Mo: I want to go to Disneyland.
Chloe: Me too.  (squeal) I know!!!! We can sell lemonade and make money to go to Disneyland!"
Mo: Ya!!!!!!

I, in the other room, laughed and then cringed.  1. I did not want to clean up the lemonade making mess or any of the subsequent messes that would undoubtedly go with it.  2.  I did not want to sit outside and supervise in 110 degree weather.
I helped them make a sign in which I was instructed to write, "Lemonade 10 cents (They originally suggested 5 dollars but I thought that was a little steep.) For Disneyland and for Hot people."

They ended up making 1 dollar.  So they only need to sell about 1000 more cups.  2000, if they want to go together.
And then there was a little scuffle about how to split up the money evenly.
So Chloe ripped the bill in half.

The End.

I found something out about Chelsey tonight that I can't believe I didn't know.
She told me that she has never told anyone this, not even Dad. But that she felt like it was finally the right time that she told someone. 

It started out while I was laying in Chloe and Chelsey's room trying to get them to sleep.  And Chelsey told me that she had some things that she was thinking about and she wanted to tell me.
Here is basically how the conversation went:

Chelsey: Do you remember in May when we went to the Luau?
Me: Yes...  and you were sad after...
Chelsey: Ya.  But it wasn't because I was sad that I never got to take dance lessons.  It was for another reason.
(pause)
I am always going to miss a certain thing and/or person...I am always going to think of her from time to time, every day.
Me: What made you think of Mom when we went to the Luau?
Chelsey: Well, I just thought of her because she was a folk dancer and so she would have liked it.
Me: Oh, I see.


Then she went through all the details of my Mom's passing, which I won't mention here as they are rather personal.
When she got to the end of the account she said:
"And that's when I started watching television all the time.
And then in December 2002, I was still missing her, and still feeling sad, and that is when I started watching "The Wiggles." 
Because I needed someone to teach me songs.  And I needed someone to teach me dances.
Me: Ohhhh...so you started watching the Wiggles because Mom wasn't around to teach you those songs and dances?
Chelsey: Exactly!

(pause)
The main reason I started watching The Wiggles is number 1, to honor Mom.  And number 2, it's fun!
The Wiggles helped me be happy when I was sad and missing Mom.  They helped me to feel happy again..


I wish that I could have recorded what she was saying.  I can't remember everything exactly how she said it.  But it all makes sense now, her love affair with The Wiggles.  The Wiggles were her grief therapy! They brought happiness back into her life.  And she loves them so much because they remind her of my Mom.  And when she listens and dances to them, she feels like she is honoring our Mom.  I had no idea that in her brain, The Wiggles and my Mom are connected.  I am constantly surprised by these windows of profound depth that I witness in my "handicapped" little sister. 

School Schmool

I seriously have a pit in my stomach thinking about Chloe starting kindergarten.  And I am trying to figure out exactly why. So I am making a list.
1.  She is my baby! I can't send her away!  Once you send them off to school, they are gone from you like half of their day, and that is half of their little impressionable life.  And I am not okay with this! Before I know it she will be graduating and leaving the house.  And I know that sending her off to school is just speeding up the process.
I want to just send her to half day, but all the schools around here are full day.  I know I could pull her out early, but I know she would feel like she was missing out and would want to stay.
2. I dread, DREAD having to have her be somewhere, dressed and fed by 7:25 AM. Punctuality is not my strength.  Neither is being happy about getting up at 6 AM.
3.  I have all these icky feelings that stem from my own school experience.  School wasn't horrible, but you could not pay me enough to do it over again.  I was so, so, so, so, so glad to be out of public school and the master of my own life and time after graduation.  I literally get the heebee geebees thinking about being stuck in one building, one classroom, one teacher, one group of kids, for half a day for almost a whole year. And so it is really hard for me to put my daughter in a situation that I personally would hate to be in. 
4. I shudder thinking about Chloe sitting her little bum down on those elementary school potties. 
5. lice.
6. Dirty School cafeterias.

In my perfect world this is what I envision for Chloe:
1. School started in September and got out in May.  It seems the school year gets longer and longer and I am not okay with this.  They are starting school August 8th? What the?!  I remember starting school closer to the end of August. 
2. I think that half day kindergarten, which seems to come out to about 3 hours, is too short, but a full day is too long.  I would like to send Chloe to school at 9 AM and I would like her to come home at 1 PM.  I think kids should get their academics over with, and then I think they should get the rest of the day to explore and play. At home.
3. I would like Chloe's school to have the atmosphere of a Disney movie.  Yes I know that it is not real, but I think children should live in a beautiful, innocent world for as long as possible.  I want her classroom to be surrounded by trees and chirping birds and colorful paintings, and happy music, and a teacher that talks like, and is as sweet as Princess Aurora.  I have met too many teachers with bad attitudes and an obvious dislike for children.
So, does anyone know of a school like this? Probably right next to my dream house.  You know the one, in a forest, by the ocean, with an orange grove and an apple orchard, snow 2 weeks out of the year (just for Christmas) and 70 degrees for the 4th of July. 
Well I feel a little better now.

12 Years

Today marks the 12 year anniversary of my Mom's death.  She had a heart attack at the age of 49, a result of a difficult lifelong struggle with type 1 diabetes.  It is still hard to wrap my head around, even after 12 years.  The memories I have of life with her here, seem like another lifetime ago.  But I will always be grateful that she was here as long as she was, and I know that she is never really far away.